


Choose Your Own Unicorn Adventure

by JadeTheThief



Category: Dice Funk Podcast D&D Campaign
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 01:19:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeTheThief/pseuds/JadeTheThief
Summary: Originally posted as a series of interlinked tumblr posts.  Written in very early season 2.





	Choose Your Own Unicorn Adventure

Start Here:  
Page 1:

Your name is Violet Skittles Unicorn, and you live in the magical land of Unicornicopia. You have lived here all your life, and yet, despite the magic and wonder of bubblegum trees and lollipop flowers, you find yourself becoming bored. Surely, there must be some exciting adventure out there just waiting for you to find it?  
You stroll through the forest, nibbling at gumdrop mushrooms and pondering deep unicorn thoughts about what might be out there in the world beyond the forest. Imagine if there were creatures without magic, and plants that weren’t sweet and delicious? Wouldn’t that be cool?  
A crack of thunder startles you back to boring reality. You look up, but see no clouds. Strange…  
In the distance, you see a swirl of green mist, appearing to grow deeper. 

Investigate – Page 2  
Stay away – Page 3

 

Page 3:

You return home, deciding to leave this adventure bullshit to some other poor sap. Fuck it. You’ve got unicorn shit to do! After all, the world is a scary place, so why not just stay home and eat candy plants all day? Surely, you have the best diet.  
Thanks to your wise decision, you never do anything exciting with your life, and live to the ripe old age of however old an old unicorn lives to be, passing away gracefully in your sleep.

The End.

 

Page 2:

You approach the swirling vortex, nervous and confused. It is unlike anything you have ever seen before. Where did it come from? What is it doing here?  
Suddenly, you spy a strange figure moving toward you from deep within the spiral. It appears to walk on its hind legs, with its forelegs dangling at its sides. Such weird anatomy! Its forelegs are capped by five-pronged appendages, and one of them is holding a large case.   
“Hellooooooo, fey creatures!” the figure calls out.  
“H-hello?” you reply. “My name is Violet, and I am a unicorn. What are you?”  
“Why, my dear unicorn, I am a human!” the figure declares, reaching the edge of the vortex. “A salesman, in fact, and do I have a deal for you!”  
You watch as he opens his case, withdrawing a thick tome from within. “How would you like to be the first unicorn in… where am I, again?”  
“Unicornicopia,” you answer politely.  
“Unicorni… really? Ahem.” He suppresses a giggle. “Yes, how would you like to be the first unicorn in Unicornicopia to own a complete set of the Encyclopedia Blackmoorica?”  
“What’s that? Is it about humans?” you ask.  
“Indeed! It is a repository of all human knowledge! And it can all be yours for only 150 gold.” He smiles.

150 gold? Are you insane? – Page 4  
Sure, sounds good. – Page 6

 

Page 4:

“That’s… a lot of money.” You frown. “Do you think you could make it cheaper? Because I’m a unicorn?”  
“Unfortunately, my dear, I cannot.” The man shrugs, reaching into his case. “However, might I interest you in this gummy lollipop?”

Pay the gold. – Page 6  
Buy the lollipop instead. – Page 5  
Buy neither. – Page 3

 

Page 5:

“I’ll take the lollipop,” you smile, giving the man one gold piece.   
He gives it to you, collects his case, tips his purple hat, and returns through the portal.  
As you walk home you chew the gummy pop, thinking it tastes a lot like something you could have found anywhere in Unicornicopia.

The End.

Page 6:

“Excellent choice!” the man declares, taking your gold and giving you the books. “And now that I have sold my wares, I must take my leave. Take care!” He waves to you, running back through the portal as it closes.  
Nudging the first book open with your horn, your imagination soars as you read about these strange, hind-leg-walking humans that populate the Prime Material Realm. Determination fills you to go see this world for yourself.  
You race home, running headlong into your father, Big John Stud Unicorn. “What have you got there, Violet?” he asks, noticing the book in your mouth.  
You set it down and giddily explain your encounter with the strange encyclopedia man.  
“Oh Violet…” your father shakes his head. “You know life outside of Unicornicopia isn’t safe.” You protest, but he sends you to your room, promising that dinner will be soon as he shuts the door.   
You hear the lock click from the outside.

Abandon your wild dreams. – Page 3  
Ask your fairy godmare for help. – Page 7  
Remember you can teleport. – Page 8

 

Page 7:

Locked in your room, unable to achieve your dreams, you curl up in your stable and cry, praying to your fairy godmare to come set you free.  
Unfortunately, you have no fairy godmare. No one will save you.

Abandon your wild dreams. – Page 3  
Remember you can teleport. – Page 8

 

Page 8:

Oh, right. Unicorns in Dungeons & Dragons can teleport! Squinting your eyes, your horn glows with magic power and you teleport past the wall, outside of your house. Before your father can notice, you run back into the woods.  
You search the spot where the strange man appeared, but while your encyclopedias are still there on the ground, there’s no sign of the portal or of a way to open it. Sighing, you stamp your hooves in frustration.  
A feminine voice cackles softly behind you. You turn, startled, to see an old woman wearing a black robe and a pointed black hat. A witch!

Witches are bad news bears! – Page 57  
Witches are people too. Let’s hear her out. – Page 9

 

Page 9:

“Hee hee, you look lost, child.” She reaches for you with bony fingers.  
You back away. “Who are you?”  
“I am called Generica, and I can help you find what you seek…” she grins.  
“You can read my mind!?” You gasp.  
She shakes her head, pointing at the encyclopedias on the ground. “You’re trying to get there, aren’t you?”  
“Oh, yes.” You blush, realizing how silly you must look. “You can help me reach the human world?”  
She laughs. “I can, dear child! But…” she raises a finger in warning. “Like all things in life, there is a price.”  
“I already spent all my gold on these books…” you sigh.  
“I have no need for gold.” She shrugs, stepping conspiratorially close to you. “No, no… I require your magic.”

Fuck you, bitch. – Page 57  
Okay, it’s worth it to be where the people are. – Page 10

 

Page 10:

“Alright, you can have my magic,” you say.  
“Excellent!” Generica cackles, sinister green mists swirling out of her cloak. Her bony fingers trace your snout and you feel weakened as your magic is sapped away. Laughing, she fades from your sight as the mists rise up, blotting out Unicornicopia.  
Tired, trembling, you feel the ground beneath you soften as a faint, salty breeze wafts past your nostrils. The sun above you shines brighter than you’ve ever seen before, and as your eyes adjust and the mists dissipate, you discover that you are surrounded by green, leafy plants completely devoid of candy.  
You don’t see any humans yet, but a strangely caped frog man is quite startled to see you.

The End.

 

Page 57:

You scream, stabbing the witch through the heart with your horn. She gasps in pain, collapsing in a heap and dissolving into ash. The stench of rotten eggs rises up from her slightly burnt robe.  
“Nope, no witches.” You stomp her robes with your hoof, trotting off into the woods. “I’ll find another way to the human world.”  
Just then, you are struck with a blinding light as a chorus of angelic song floods your ears. “Behold!” a booming voice declares. The light dims and you see a giant duck, fifteen feet tall, hovering in front of you with wings outspread.

WTF is that!? Kill it! – Page 60  
Talk to the duck. – Page 38

 

Page 38:

“I am the Forever Duck,” it speaks. “Thou unicorn, though thine heart be true and thy deeds pure, thou hast broken the timeline with thy actions.”  
“I did what?” you ask, confused.  
“Generica was an evil witch, ‘tis true,” the Duck answers. “But for thy true adventure to have occurred, thou must have bargained with her. Alas, it is no longer to be.”  
“Oh…” you sigh.

Go to Page 3.

 

Page 60:

Don’t think, just stab!  
You drive your horn into the duck’s gut. It cries out with a terrified quack, flapping its wings and fleeing in a hurry. You notice your horn has no blood on it. Weird.  
Well, whatever. The weird duck is gone and nothing can possibly stop you from reaching the human world now! Feeling quite pleased with yourself, you skip through the forest and, as luck would have it, discover another portal!  
You smile. Of course, good things come to those who work for it. You did it with your own four hooves, witches and ducks be damned!

Good enough. – Page 3  
Human world, here I come! – Page 42

 

Page 42:

Stepping through the misty portal, you find yourself on a rocky beach. The sun hangs high above you, beating down intensely as waves crash against the shore. You see trees, but unlike the trees from your world, these ones have only leaves and appear quite stiff.  
Walking along the beach, you see a tortoise laying on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun. What’s a tortoise? You wonder.  
Do you know what a turtle is?

Yeah, I know what turtles are. – Page 43  
Nope. What’s a turtle? – Page 70

Page 70:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtle

 

Page 43:  
Same thing.  
The tortoise lays on its back, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over. But it can’t. Not without your help.  
Shrugging, you flip it over with your horn, kindly unicorn that you are. That was easy.  
Walking further along the beach, you find a camp: a circle of huts surrounding a giant crab statue, and populated by… humans?  
You hop with glee, skipping toward the camp. One of the humans, startled and confused, walks out to meet you.  
“Raht pferd? Rah kifurn?” he speaks, voice partly garbled by his crustacean mask.

Fuck, foreigners! – Page 63  
Say hello. – Page 44

 

Page 44:

“Hi, I’m Violet,” you reply nervously, unsure what he said. “I am a unicorn. It’s nice to meet you. Are you humans?”  
He seems surprised that you can speak, waving a hand to invite you back to the village. Everyone gathers around you, chattering excitedly. Looking around, you can see through their tattered clothing that at the center of their tummies, humans do indeed have belly buttons! Neat!  
One of them exits a hut, bringing you a tray with steamed crabs and a wooden hammer. You sniff them, and it smells so good…  
Picking up the hammer with your teeth, you break the crabs open and eat the meat. The villagers celebrate, welcoming you into the tribe and painting you with crab tattoos.  
Surrounded by humans, feasting on delicious crab, you decide that this is the life for you. And there you shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever.

The End.

Page 63:

You jab your horn into the stranger’s eye, exposed through the mask’s eyeholes. He cries out, hands flying to his face as he falls to the ground, bleeding.  
An angry cry rises up from the tribe as they charge toward you, wooden hammers in hand. You try to fight back, but there are too many, and within minutes your hooves are tied together and they are dragging you toward the sea.  
“I’ll fight every one of you!” you shout, struggling to break the ropes.  
A spout of water shoots up and you hear a ferocious clacking of claws. The tribe throws you to the shore and runs back to a safe distance. Horrified, you look up to behold the statue’s subject towering above you, a fearsome, crabby monstrosity.  
Luckily, your ropes have loosened just enough to break free.

Fuck crab monsters! – Page 47  
Apologize and hope it spares you. – Page 90

 

Page 47:

You charge, ramming your horn into the monster’s gut.  
It doesn’t even flinch, quickly snatching you up in its claw, pincers in a vice around your neck. You struggle, kicking your legs at the empty air as the monster’s mandibles clack angrily. In one swift pinch it severs your head, your body falling into the salty sea.  
Maybe you should stop stabbing people.

The End.

 

Page 90:

Bowing your head, you plead with the monster to spare you. It stares, eyes twitching in confusion, but gradually it seems to understand. As it walks back into the sea, you breathe a sigh of relief.  
Turning back toward the humans, you see them staring at you with astonishment and awe. Realizing that your hind legs have begun to itch, you kick them and they clack against the ground. Your forelegs feel strange as well, as if your hooves have begun to separate…  
You stare down at yourself, finding your skin has lost its soft flesh and become a hard shell, your hooves forming into pincers. You cry out, but your words are garbled by the clicking of your mandibles.  
Congratulations! You are now a Crabicorn, god among humans. May your reign be just and fair.

The End.

 

EXPANSION 1!

(Page 60) Where did this portal come from? – Page 35

Page 35:

A thought strikes you. This portal didn’t come from nowhere… someone must have made it. Detecting evil as a free action, you discover a sinister figure looming somewhere in the shadows of that really big tree a few feet away.  
“Show yourself, evil-doer!” you shout.  
“Drat!” The figure scowls, stepping into view. “How did you see through my perfect disguise?” He folds his armor-clad arms crossly.  
“No evil shall escape my sight!” you reply confidently, horn raised, rainbow mane glittering behind you. “Be it witch, or duck, or… or you.”  
He raises and eyebrow. “So, it was YOU who killed my sister, Generica.” He laughs deeply. “You must be a formidable foe. I shall enjoy killing you.”  
“Who are you?” you ask.  
“When you hear my name, you shall tremble in fear, knowing your doom is at hand!” Calling on the power of shadows, he appears to grow larger and more imposing. “For I am the Dark Lord Villaino!”

“Oh shit!” – Page 3 (x)  
“I’m not afraid of you!” – Page 39  
“Can I join you?” – Page 77

 

Page 77:

“Wow, I’ve never met a dark lord before!” you exclaim with excitement. “All that black armor looks super cool!”  
“Really?” He stares at you, surprised. “It was pretty expensive since I had to have it all custom made, but…”  
“I’ve always wanted a set of horse armor!” You trot up to Villaino, checking out his suit. “I think it’d reflect my inner dark side!”  
“Well, yeah. It’s pretty badass.” He smirks, sliding a metal-plated arm around your shoulder. “I know a guy. I can set you up.”  
“Sweet!” You beam with happiness.  
“Now, we’re going to need a villain name for you…” He rubs his chin pensively.  
“How about ‘Violent’?” You suggest. “It’s like Violet, but edgy.”  
“No, no. It needs to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts!” He clenches a fist dramatically. “Hmm… yes, I’ve got it!” He points at the ground. “Kneel, my apprentice!”  
You do so.  
He draws a sword, resting it on your shoulder. “From this day forth, you shall be Evilicorn, Dark Lady of Doom!” He pulls the sword up sharply, cutting your mane jaggedly.  
“Yaaay!” you dance, following your evil master to the dark armorer’s shop.

The End.

 

Page 81:

Charging through the forest, you dive into a portal and crash headlong into a wooden door, splintering it and breaking its hinges. The room inside is sparsely decorated, but judging from the size and shape of its chairs and the height of its tables, it appears to be a human dwelling.   
“I fuckin’ hate this city…” you hear a man’s voice grumble from another room, “Be right back.” Stumbling to your feet, you stand on the broken door as he exits and adjoining room, baseball bat in hand. He has a bald head and very expressive eyes, which widen noticeably when he sees you.

He’s got a weapon! Attack! – Page 82  
Explain who you are. – Page 83

 

Page 82:

You charge, taking advantage of his surprise to impale him through the chest with your horn.  
“V-violet?” he mumbles, collapsing on you.  
What the hell? Has he been stalking you?  
Dumping his body on the floor, you glance into the room he came out of. It appears to be an office, with a computer connected to a large monitor. The monitor’s screen shows two cartoon faces and a green phone-shaped symbol. Trotting up the nearby microphone, you lean toward it and speak: “H-hello?”  
“Leon?” a voice replies with concern. “What’s going on? Did the Baltimore soul snatcher get you?”  
“No, no… I’m fine,” you reply, sitting by the microphone.  
“Well, that’s good…” the voice responds. “So, what were we talking about?”  
“Butts,” a second voice says.  
And so, you begin your career as a podcaster and video creator. It takes some time to learn how to use video editing software with your hooves and horn, but you manage it okay. At first, people find your soft-spoken voice a little odd, but in time they can no longer tell the difference between you and the man you replaced.  
The body starts to smell a bit, but no more than the rest of Baltimore.

The End.

 

Page 83:

“Hi…” you speak nervously. “I’m Violet, and I am a unicorn.”  
He drops the bat, mouth agape. “No. Way.”  
“You’re a human, right?” you ask.  
“I… yes.” He smiles broadly, then runs up to you and hugs your neck.   
You grin. “Wow, I didn’t expect a human to be so excited about a boring old unicorn!”  
“This is amazing!” he exclaims. “We should go do something!”

Hit the town. – Page 84  
Stay home. – Page 85

Page 84:

With the human named Leon riding on your back, you charge down the streets of Baltimore, impaling hookers and drug dealers and soul snatchers left and right. The city’s rats are crushed beneath your hooves, and your unicorn message of love and compassion turns the city into a veritable utopia.  
Baltimore’s police thank you, insisting they could have done it themselves but thanks anyway, and you are each awarded a gold medal for your service. You then run for president and, despite not being a native-born citizen, win by unanimous vote on your “Vote for Me Because I Am A Unicorn” campaign, and thus continue to spread your message of love and peace and killing evil people to the rest of the world.

The End.

 

Page 85:

“Are you sure this is safe?” the human named Leon asks uncertainly, waiting on hands and knees in front of you with his pants around his ankles.  
“Yep!” You smile, horn glistening and growing softer. “Just don’t move too much until it’s in there.”  
“Okay,” Leon sighs, trying to relax.  
“Here, I’ll count!” you reply cheerfully, tilting your horn toward his waiting anus. “Three… two…”  
“One.”  
You’ve never heard a human orgasm before, but you’re pretty sure this is what it sounds like.

The End.

 

Page 11:

You glare at the strange human. How dare he try to overcharge a unicorn, the most glorious creature in creation. Planting your hooves firmly, you lunge forward, stabbing him through the chest.  
He gasps, purple hat falling away. “How can this be?” He clutches his chest. “Nobody can kill Rin…” he falls, dead.  
Rin. That’s a stupid name. You frown.  
You’ve done your good unicorn deed for the day, having rid the world of a horrible, evil non-fey creature. You go home and sleep soundly. In the morning, you decide that, rather than pursue more adventures, you will dedicate your life to the protection of the feywild against any more foreign incursions.  
Your first plan: Build a wall.

The End.

 

Page 39:

“I’m not afraid of you!” you shout, charging with your horn. Villaino steps aside gracefully, slapping your horn away with his armored palm.  
“You call that an attack?” he sneers as his spiked fist slams into the side of your head. You stumble, delirious, and try to teleport away. He boots you in the chest, knocking you prone.   
Planting his heel on your head, he glares. “Surrender to me, and I promise you a swift death.”

A swift death sounds nice. – Page 40  
Unleash your true potential. – Page 71

 

Page 40:

“I… surrender.” You close your eyes.  
Villaino’s laugh is deep and menacing, reverberating through your ears as his boot crushes your skull. Many thoughts rush through your mind in your final moments, most of them about how painful it is for your brain to get stepped on.

The End.

 

Page 71:

Closing your eyes, you call upon the strength of your unicorn ancestors to aid you in your hour of need. You feel a surge of power as the spirits of four thousand ancient unicorns flood into you, causing you to glow golden.  
Villaino stumbles back, terrified. “No! This cannot be! You cannot be her! YOU ARE NOT THE CHOSEN ONE!”  
Filled with magic, you levitate ten feet in the air, eyes fixed on the Dark Lord. “I AM…” you speak, voice resonating with force that shakes the ground, “A UNICORN.”  
Villaino shields his eyes as the first wave of golden magic strikes him, searing his armor. He screams, his skin bursting into flames as it peels off of his face. You float to the ground, walking sternly toward him, eyes locked in a glare. He falls to his knees, clawing at his burning face as his eyes sink backward into his skull.  
“Go back to Hell.” You swing your head, mane waving gloriously behind you as you drive your horn into his face. His screaming stops and he falls in a heap, a burning husk wrapped in armor.  
Having thwarted evil, you return home a hero, slayer of witches and dark lords, legend of Unicornicopia.  
Adventure accomplished.

The End.

 

Page 50:

You can’t tell what he’s saying, but you find yourself wondering: is that tortoise okay? How did it end up on its back anyway? Is it just clumsy?  
You turn away from the strange crab-masked man and head back to the beach, searching for the tortoise. It can’t have gone far…  
You don’t see it on the shore, so you run toward the forest, galloping between trees as a thick mist creeps in around you. Shaking your mane as you run, you sense that somehow, somewhere, there is a grizzled man resting his head on a piano keyboard and dreaming of you.  
You stop in your tracks. That was weird… is this world you’re in just a dream?

Dream on. – Page 79  
Take the next portal out of here. – Page 81

 

Page 79:

You shrug. So what if you’re in a dream? This dream has everything a unicorn could need, like trees, and mist, and… more trees.  
The ground shakes, and a thought crosses your mind: where do dreams go when the dreamer wakes?  
The mist behind you swirls as if being sucked into a vortex, with only darkness visible within. You gallop to escape, whinnying frantically as the ground beneath you begins to crumble. Dust and rocks fly toward the vortex and the trees’ roots are gradually exposed until they are finally uprooted.  
You try to run, but a tree slams into you, knocking you into the infinite abyss. Within it, you recognize that you are not dead, but rather suspended in the subconscious.   
Hopefully someone daydreams some scenery for you soon.

The End.

 

Page 3X:

Congratulations, quitter! You quit so hard that you discovered a new ending!  
As you head home, deciding to leave this adventure bullshit to some other poor sap, you see smoke in the distance. Breaking into a gallop, you see flames rising from the charred remains of your house. A pair of unicorn skeletons lay by the door.  
“Oh no!” you cry, running to them.  
A strange grey stallion in a brown hooded cloak looms beside you, head hanging sorrowfully. “There’s nothing you could have done. If you had been here, they would have killed you too.”  
You turn to look at him. “Who are you?”  
He gazes at you with world-weary eyes. “My name is Sta-Li Yon. It was the will of the Horse that I find you and train you.”  
“Train me?”  
“Yes, you are to become a great warrior. A Poni Knight.” His horn glows blue beneath his hood, and you feel your horn transforming. You find it growing hotter, and suddenly a beam of purple light extends out of it, beaming like a sword of legend.  
“This is your hornsaber. I will train you to use it in time.” He turns toward the forest. “But first, come. We must go to Mos Equus and find passage to somewhere safer.”  
You go with him, confident that, despite forsaking your original adventure, a new, greater adventure awaits you ahead.

May the Horse Be With You.


End file.
